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song in the round

Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 11:03 am
by renee
Hey ya'll, i've been reading about your book club and other cool community stuff you've been doing and I thought, what if we all wrote a song as a group and then Ellis could tweak it and maybe arrange some melody to it. What a truly interactive session. So, the jist is, I'll start a few lines and then you all keep adding until we get a song out of it.
Who's in? I know Karen will be. And it needs a title too, but that might come out in the end. I hope others add, this could be really cool.
Peace and blessings to you and yours

You told me time and time again
You wanted freedom
But what it costs
I can't afford to pay


Next....

Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 11:44 am
by bonuela
Renee, what an amazing idea!! :D

I'll be back with a verse later!!

Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 11:47 am
by JayceK
Oh yea, I am so into this. But I've got to go to work right now. I'll get to it tonight. :P

Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 11:59 am
by bonuela
You told me time and time again
You wanted freedom
But what it costs
I can't afford to pay



To watch you wander
Leaving me behind in your wake
Wasn't always our path
Can not now be my fate

Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 12:10 pm
by KarenZ
You told me time and time again
You wanted freedom
But what it costs
I can't afford to pay


To watch you wander
Leaving me behind in your wake
Wasn't always our path
Can not now be my fate


[chorus]
It cannot be
Fate cannot be this cruel
I won't believe
Fate gives then steals the jewel

Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 1:45 pm
by bonuela
KarenZ wrote:You told me time and time again
You wanted freedom
But what it costs
I can't afford to pay


To watch you wander
Leaving me behind in your wake
Wasn't always our path
Can not now be my fate


[chorus]
It cannot be
Fate cannot be this cruel
I won't believe
Fate gives then steals the jewel


How goes the next verse? I'm getting anxious to hear how this ends. :D

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 2:08 pm
by JayceK
You told me time and time again
You wanted freedom
But what it costs
I can't afford to pay


To watch you wander
Leaving me behind in your wake
Wasn't always our path
Can not now be my fate


[chorus]
It cannot be
Fate cannot be this cruel
I won't believe
Fate gives then steals the jewel


Your face turned red
When my knees hit the floor
'See, I'm not ashamed to beg.'
But your wrinkled blouse
Snapped out of my hand
As you casually walked out the door



Okay, sorry guys- er, gals. This was kind of a unisex song but I just inadvertantly put it in a male perspective :?. It could be converted into 2 verses but I think it can work as 1 just as easy. Wrinkled could be changed to tear-stained but it seemed a little melodramatic. And instead of snapped you could use jerked, yanked, pulled, slipped, etc... I tried em but liked snapped the best. Casually could also be changed to many different things. NEXT!

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 4:30 pm
by bonuela
So cool Jayce! I had been thinking of this from a female perspective. :D What do you think about "floated" in place of "snapped". Tearstained is not melodramatic. Ok, it is, but that seems to be the direction this song is taking. :P

Great job!! Who's got the next verse????

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 6:59 pm
by JayceK
Well, you could change blouse to shirt bonuela. That's the only thing that really indicates a female leaving a male. Or this could be a "She Loves a Girl" type song. :wink:
Seriously though, the tear-stained change is fine w/me. Floated is fine but I think I still like 'snapped' because it indicates the person leaving is fed up/angry. Don't know if that's what we were going for though. :)

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 10:04 pm
by bonuela
Fed up is perfect, so maybe "floated" isn't, but snapped feels too violent. Maybe I'm just stuck on the male/female thing.

Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 10:25 pm
by JayceK
Hehe, I hear what you're saying. What we really need is another outside opinion.

song edits

Posted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 4:40 pm
by renee
You guys are amazing!!! Thanks for joining in. I saw the discussion about the blouse snapping. How about this instead? I highlighted the inserted verse. Keep going....this could be a hit. 8)

You told me time and time again
You wanted freedom
But what it costs
I can't afford to pay

To watch you wander
Leaving me behind in your wake
Wasn't always our path
Can not now be my fate

[chorus]
It cannot be
Fate cannot be this cruel
I won't believe
Fate gives then steals the jewel

Your face turned red
When my knees hit the floor
'See, I'm not ashamed to beg.'
I was holding on
To what was already gone
As you walked on out the door

Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 2:00 pm
by bonuela
Yes Renee!! Perfect. :D


I hope more people stop by to add a verse or two. This is so exciting!!


Who was it from the old board that entered songwriting contests? Can we get him/her to chime in??

Posted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 1:04 pm
by bonuela
Let's bump this to the top and see if we can get another verse. :D

Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 9:45 pm
by paddyinthepub
I'm bumping this up since Guy Richardson suggests a thread to all pitch in lyrics for a song and Bonnie mentioned this thread as the place on the forum to do just that.

Go for it Guy! 8)